Your Questions Answered – August, 2014 (Part Two)

 Posted by on August 8, 2014  Add comments  Tagged with:
Aug 082014

Well, I thought I could finish up the Q & A today, but I can’t….there are too many questions! So, watch for Part 3 on Monday!

i would love to get more information from you how to handle my daughter 23 left just after her graduation with her boyfriend.she is still gone.she told me i must forget about her and that she moved on.she even told me she has found herself a new mother.i long to see her.i didnt aprove of her relationship with her then boyfriend because he hits her an abused her.she now got a new boyfriend.i try to contact her but to no avail.plz help me.

I am truly sorry. As a mother, I can’t imagine the pain you’re suffering. Unfortunately, I don’t feel qualified to answer this question because I have never been in this situation, and all of my children are still quite young and living at home. However, I do understand the pain of being rejected by someone you love, and I encourage you to seek counseling. It was a great help to me in coming to terms with my situation so that I could move on. I will keep you in my prayers, and if other readers have any words of wisdom for this commenter, do please share them.


Hi Heather, I’m sure you know this, but in case you were having a tired moment (I have a LOT of those), in your latest post, you used (what I assume) is DJ’s real name. Unless I recently missed something, I know you don’t use the family’s names…

I do genuinely appreciate it when readers call my attention to slip-ups like this because it shows real love and concern for my children, and you’re correct that my policy here on the blog has always been to not reveal the names of my children. I prefer to use their nicknames, both for their protection and safety, and also to respect their privacy. I figure that someday they may not want anything I’ve written about them to turn up if someone Googles their names. I haven’t written anything particularly mortifying about any of them, but they should have the right to control their online presence, and I believe that any mother who writes about her children needs to consider that. However, in DJ’s case, I am admittedly more lax about this because after he was born I did reveal his actual name, simply because so many readers had followed his journey into the world, from conception to birth, and it seemed like the right thing to do (see this post).


Was wondering how you will handle it when your girls want to date?

When I read this question to my husband he said, “We will not allow it!” He is, of course, joking. Actually, I’m much more strict when it comes to this, believe it or not. He and I come from very different places regarding this issue, because he was already meeting girls at the movies in 5th grade, whereas I did not “date” a boy, where we went out alone as a couple, until I was 15. This is what I would prefer for my own daughters to do (ideally 16), and he agrees with me simply because he knows what his own behavior was like at that age, and he doesn’t want his children to, quote, “have as much freedom as he had.” I have no problem with Bee going to middle school dances, or other events where she is in the company of boys, provided that they are chaperoned.


What is your religion? Based on things I’ve read I think it might be the same as mine.

I have attended both denominational and non-denominational churches, and to be quite honest, I simply identify myself as a Christian. I believe the Bible to be the inerrant word of God, however I also believe in contextual interpretation of the Scriptures. Beyond that, I do not care to label myself. However, I will go on the record right now and say that I am NOT a Republican, or a “right wing conservative,” and I DO have compassion for groups of people who are typically alienated and stigmatized in Christian churches. You may draw your own conclusions from here.


How can I get my husband to want to be with me and our kids and be our family’s spiritual leader. He works long hours and when he is home he just wants to sit in front of the TV. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

I wish I had an easy solution for you, but the truth is that you can’t. I know that’s hard to hear, but this is a choice he has to make for himself. You can’t force someone to be a leader – his motivation must come from within. Please email me if you would like to talk more about this (wantwhatyouhaveblog at gmail dot com).


Can I ask why you eliminated shellfish? We are trying to eat healthier and with being in New Orleans we have an abundance of seafood that makes up a large part of our diet. My dad keeps us in fish..and shrimp and crawfish season is upon us. I was just wondering is it because its not that local to you or is it a health hazard. I always thought seafood was good for you. Thanks.

This has confused readers in the past, so I want to clarify the reason why we have eliminated all Biblically-unclean meats from our diet. This has absolutely nothing to do with our assurance of our salvation. We know that the death of Christ on the cross, and our new covenant with God because of it, means that what we eat does not make us unclean (Matthew 15:11), and we’re free to eat whatever we want. However, while the medical wisdom behind Biblical dietary laws is seldom taught today, we believe that it is extremely relevant for modern times. God’s list of clean and unclean meats in Leviticus clearly illustrates what modern science now understands – certain meats are unhealthy for us. Who better to tell us this than God, who created our bodies? Most animals designated by God as unclean are carnivores or scavengers that can transmit dangerous diseases to people, and unclean fish are typically bottom feeders, and organisms with concentrated poisonous chemicals, bacteria, and viruses in their tissues (such as oysters and clams). I once heard shellfish described as the garbage cans of the ocean, and “eating an oyster is like eating your vacuum cleaner bag.”

God, in His great wisdom, established his dietary laws to protect His people from contracting dangerous diseases, and also to preserve the existence of a clean-up crew (so to speak) for His creation, which is why He designated them as off limits. Because of this, we limit our protein intake to only clean meats, primarily beef, chicken, turkey, tuna, salmon, and other clean fish. To understand more about why we eat the way we do, I would like to recommend The Bible Diet. It’s a short book, but it does a good job of explaining our dietary choices. Also, please see this site for a complete list of clean/unclean meats.


Just found your site…wanted to ‘like’ you facebook page, but looks like you’re off facebook? I love finding other believers in the blogsphere and would like to stay connected, and Can I ask why you deleted your Facebook?

For quite some time I was extremely disillusioned with Facebook, and for awhile I even deactivated the blog’s fan page. I have several issues with Facebook, and since I’m sure you’ve heard them all before, I’ll touch on them only briefly:

1) The phoniness and one-upmanship: Some people are simply pretend versions of themselves on Facebook, and everything is turned into a competition.
2) Privacy: I don’t believe that Facebook takes enough care and precautions with personal information.
3) Drama: In the time I was on Facebook, it brought unnecessary drama and conflict into my life that I simply did not need.
4) Time wasting: This requires no explanation, but I left the day after a quiz called, “What Spice Are You?” showed up in my newsfeed. I thought, “Are you kidding me? This is how people are spending their valuable time?” I made the decision to delete right then and there.
5) Lack of trust: The whole Facebook emotional manipulation scandal should be a wake-up call for all of us.

I’d like to direct you to a great blog post, written by a guy who sums up all of my objections to Facebook in an extremely eloquent way:

Why I Deleted my Social Media Accounts, by Daniel Milnor. My favorite line? “I think we will look back at the time (of social media) and the lives we donated and cringe.”

The lives we donated. Makes you think, doesn’t it?

I actually have no social media accounts at all, though I do have a Facebook page for the blog now, (wait…is blogging considered social media? Probably). I still don’t have a personal account, and I don’t plan to again unless one of my children wants to join Facebook (this will not be allowed until they’re at least 13, if we decide to allow it at all). At that point I will have to revisit this issue because I’ll want to monitor their activity. For the time being, as I mentioned in this post, I have found a way to take control of how I use Facebook, rather than letting Facebook use me. You can visit me here.


Great idea you I am going to start a schedule!! I do have one question… When do you do all your errands, shopping, phone calls, emails etc? Would love to see a weekly schedule outline in a future blog. I just signed up!!

You can read my weekly work schedule here.


I just wanted to ask you about how much tv does DJ watch when he’s home with you? I have a 3 year old (who you helped me potty train! :)) and sometimes I just NEED to get stuff done so I put on a cartoon – he plays independently also but I just feel guilty lately about the amount he is watching, probably 3 hours a day some days. Do you have any advice for how to get stuff done at home without the tv? I also have a 1 year old who’s into everything!

DJ loves TV, and he would watch it all day if I let him – but I don’t. I would say, on average, he probably watches an hour in the morning, and an hour in the late afternoon. I don’t feel guilty about this because he usually plays outside and gets lots of physical exercise throughout the rest of the day, and also because my children do not watch any commercial television at all. I know exactly which programs they watch on Netflix, and if they aren’t watching Netflix, they watch PBS, which is commercial-free. The way I see it, sometimes I need to get stuff done, and an episode of Dino Squad here and there is not going to cause irreparable harm. Don’t worry!


On another note, do both of your girls have cell phones? We’re trying to decide if our daughters are old enough yet. Would you share with us your thoughts on kids and cells? You always have such great wisdom Heather!

No they don’t. Bee just got a cell phone this year because our agreement with her was that she could have one when she started middle school. The same policy will apply to Cakes. Also, Bee has a plan thru Kajeet, so I have complete control over who and when she can text/call, and who can text/call her. She does not have picture messaging, and she also has no internet access, so I don’t have to worry about any inappropriate internet-related activities. It’s wonderful. I simply cannot recommend it highly enough.


I love reading your blog and especially trying out some of your recipes. I wondered if you wouldn’t mind sharing some of your “favorite Fall recipes”.

You can find several fall recipes in this post, and I also love these pumpkin cupcakes!


I know that I had read a post on here before about how many outfits you have per child, but can’t seem to find it now.

I believe you must mean this post? If not, let me know and I’ll do some more digging.


I’d be curious to know whether you’re still using your method where you do each person’s laundry on a certain day of the week. We don’t have space in our house for everyone to have their own hamper (6 people in 1000 total square feet). Would you bother separating clothes by person to use your daily schedule if you had to sort through the hamper to do so?

I do still follow this laundry schedule, except my girls now do their own laundry on Tuesdays. I do sort and separate everyone’s clothes, except for whites, which are all washed together. It isn’t difficult because we do have hampers/baskets in everyone’s bedrooms, plus a 3-Bag Laundry Sorter in the laundry room. It’s completely worth the small amount of extra work. because this system is so much more efficient than any other I’ve tried.  I have it memorized now, so I don’t even really have to think about it anymore. I just know that if it’s Wednesday, I need to do DJ’s laundry, and if it’s Friday, I do my husband’s and mine. On Monday I wash whites, and on Thursday I wash whites again if there are any, including sheets (for simplicity’s sake, I do not buy colored sheets or towels anymore. White only). On Tuesday, I remind the girls to do their laundry, but if they don’t and they run out of clothes, well…that’s unfortunate for them, but this is how they learn. They’re old enough to take responsibility for this, and they have to learn some time.