I don’t know about you guys, but every year the first day of school kind of breaks my heart a little bit. This year is especially difficult for me, because my Cakesie Jane started kindergarten.
Cakes is a gregarious, outgoing girl. She’s always busy, and she loves social activities, although, like me, she is more comfortable with just one special friend, rather than a large crowd. I know she’ll love the social aspect of school, but at the same time, life has always been harder for Cakes. Transitions are difficult, and adjustments to her routine take longer. She was the only one of our kids who cried when left in the church nursery, and clung to my leg every day during her first week of swimming lessons. In some ways, she’s much braver than Bee, but she has fears, too. For example, all summer long she fretted about the automatic toilets at school because she’s terrified of them. She also worried about rest time, because she needs to rock her head back and forth to fall asleep, and what if the other kids think that’s weird?
Through the years, she’s been my most exasperating kid at times, and my sweetest, funniest kid at others. I’ve always said that there are no lukewarm feelings where Cakes is concerned, no even keel, no middle ground. Either you’re laughing hysterically at her antics, or you’re really, really MAD at her antics, or your heart is breaking with sadness for her because she’s hurt, or worried, or scared. I don’t know how to explain it, really, but there’s just something about that kid.
She wants to be a big girl, and do all the things her sister does, but she also needs for me to tuck her in every night. She doesn’t want to need me, and yet of all the kids, I think she needs me the most. Last week, I was outside taking clothes off the line because a severe storm was brewing, complete with thunder, lightning and a threatening sky. Cakes had just learned about the dangers of lightning, and the whole time I was rushing around, trying to get clothes into the basket, she was yelling, “Mommy! Mommy!” I thought she was worried about her bike, and sidewalk chalk, and other stuff left laying, in traditional fashion, all over the yard, so I said, “I don’t have time to get your stuff right now, Cakes! I have to get these clothes in before they get wet!” And she replied, “I’m not worried about my stuff! I’m worried about you, Mommy! What if you get hit by lightning?! What if you DIE?!”
Cakes is a worrywart, and while she doesn’t let on, I know she’s worried about being away from me all day. And I’m worried too – after all, she’s just a little girl. What if she needs help making her way through the lunchroom? What if she needs to go to the bathroom…will she be brave enough to tell her teacher? What if she gets lost? If she’s scared or hurt, will somebody give her a hug?
Is she OK? Does she miss me? Is she having fun?
If I’m being honest with you, much of my worry and sadness is not for Cakes, but for myself. Did I really make the most of the time I had at home with her? Because now she’ll spend the majority of her day in the care of another woman, who is very kind and gentle, but who is not me….and maybe I’m a little bit jealous. Because I can’t get those 5 years back. I can’t take back all the times I was impatient and yelled at her, all the times she wanted me to play and I put her off. All the opportunities that I might have missed….
For all the times when I was tired, and frustrated, and tearing my hair out over her mischievous ways, if I could go back and do it all over again, I absolutely would. Does she know that?
Does she know that I’m so proud of her?
Most importantly, does she know just how very much I love her? She is my one and only Cakes…and I’m going to need a big box of tissues today.
{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh my goodness, Heather, this is the first time I teared up reading one of your posts. What a beautiful gift of words about your baby girl. Also, a sweet reminder to take joy in the time we have with our kids because (as I was told again just yesterday) it goes by way too fast. You have given her such a solid foundation, she is sure to catch on. Praying for you guys!
Wow, that was a tear jerker. I think Cakes is blessed to have a mom that ponders such questions! Our 4 year old girl will be Kindergarten age next fall. We are debating homeschooling, but there is a chance she may go to public school too….I don’t know how I’ll ever handle that. Thank you for the reminder to spend as much time as I can with her while she’s with me! She is a lot like Cakes, strong willed, spunky, energetic, emotional, sometimes fearful, incredibly intelligent, hopelessly mischievous…and I love every piece of her! Now I’m crying…sheesh.
I’ll be thinking of you today, Heather. Though I haven’t gone through the first day of school yet, you summed up so well the flood of emotions that comes with a transition like this…and separation. She was a lucky girl to have a mama who sacrificed to be home with her, to give her a safe, loving, fun and creative place to spend her preschool years. That will surely pay off as you see her grow and mature. I hope your day is filled with comforting thoughts of all the fun, tender times with her and just forget all the times that make you critical of yourself. We’re all just doing our best and you’re doing a great job in my book.
Thanks Shelly. Every Mom needs to hear that!
I’m going to need a big box of Kleenex after reading this post!!! OMG!!!! I’m glad I just barrel through life and don’t think about it to much, otherwise I would be a WRECK! ha ha!
What a beautiful post. My oldest is in 1st grade this year, and I miss her so bad!! Read “The Kissing Hand” to Cakes. It’s a sweet story, and will help both of you!! I love your blog, by the way!
Thank you Deb!
Having had the priviledge of meeting Cakes briefly – I think I can honestly say YES, she does know. Peace my friend!
She might not be completely aware of it now, but she will in the years to come, especially if you print this post out and put it in her scrapbook
Kindergarten teachers are a special breed. I’ve rarely met one who fails to realize that while kindergartners are “big” kids, they still need hand-holding and hugs.
The way you describe Cakes reminds me very much of my oldest daughter. She will love school, good luck honey!
What a great post! School will be a great experience for her!
I am curious if you have ever considered homeschooling? I only have 2 kids (2 1/2 and 7 months) but have already been thinking about all the schooling options. I am curious about your stance on homeschooling. If you have a post about it, point me in that direction! I feel like I am in the “glean as much possible wisdom from as many possible Christian moms” stage of mothering. Let’s face it, I’ve been in that stage since I dreamed of becoming a mom. Thoughts?
Alicia, I did consider it when my oldest was starting school, and we decided that public school was the best choice for us, at least at this time. We have a good public school, and we’re also fortunate to live in an area with a homeschool association, and a large number of homeschooling families, so we’ll have lots of resources available to us if we change our minds. You can read both of my posts on this subject, if you’re interested in our thought process.
http://wantingwhatyouhave.com/2008/06/decision-2008-to-homeschool-or-not-to.html
http://wantingwhatyouhave.com/2008/08/decision-2008-update.html
Do you think that she worries about you because she thinks about the loss of your friend? (The one you told us about on your blog who died so very young?)
You have a gift with words. I am sure your beautiful daughter knows. Someday she will read these posts and be amazed at the feelings you share.
Your children are very blessed to have you and your husband.
May God bless.
Roxie, yes, I do think that Jacque’s death has something to do with her worry for me, and she’s also experienced the death of her Grandpa AND her Grandpa’s brother this year, so I think death weighs pretty heavily on her mind right now.
Heather, your post today made me cry. My first born son is starting Kindergarden this year as well. You put into words all my fears. I am nervous for him, I am scared for him… will the other kids like him? Will his teacher understand him? He is so sensitive, sometimes he comes across rude… will she love him and be patient and kind with him…… Thank you for making me feel understood, even from thousands of miles away, and by a complete stranger…
Oh, you’re so welcome, Naomi. I think that the feelings of mothers are pretty universal – which is why we need each other. Only a mother can really understand what another mother is going through.
Once again, you really touch my heart, Heather. How can you possibly reach deep down inside a mother’s heart and so elequently put into words what most of us cannot express?! I just love reading your blog. Please know that you’re not alone in your sentiment. My five-year old started kindergarten today, also. Unlike last year in Pre-K when she hid behind my legs and wouldn’t let go of my hand, this year she just waltzed into the classroom, hung up her backpack in her cubbie, and went straight to mingle with the other children. Not even a good-bye hug or kiss. Humpf! I watched her for a few minutes waiting for the moment she would realize I wasn’t there and then look for me, but that moment never came. I just let her be and quietly walked away
BTW…Cakesie looks adorable! All of your children do! They always look so happy! Way to go, Cakesie!
You have worded this perfectly Heather. It is certainly that feeling of handing over your child to someone elses care and wondering if you have made the most of the time now “taken” from you. It doesn’t seem that long ago that she started at that first preschool that you eventually pulled her out of. Here she starting school!!! Hope it all goes well for you. I am sure DJ will keep you busy lol
Julie in Australia
My son, my first born who sounds a lot like your little girl, is starting kindergarten next week and I’m having a lot of the same feelings. The hard part of parenting is that its our job to prepare them to fly the coup. Not always the fun and easy part. Sounds like you’ve done an amazing job and she’s going to do great in ‘big girl school’! hugs
Thank you so much for writing this post. I know you meant it as a way to express your feelings, know that you blessed me in so many ways. I’m glad to know that I am not alone in this transition. I honestly didn’t think other moms worried if their child will be brave enough to ask the teacher to go to the restroom or if she will be able to make her way through the lunchroom:) Thank you for letting me know I am not alone and my worries are shared by other moms.
I am a new viewer to your blog, been reading a couple months. This post made me tear up! My sweet daughter is also going to Kindergarten this year, and I was fretting too! especially about her getting a hug if she was feeling sad. We went to a very loving preschool where there were hugs everyday! Now I just hope that she can get one if she needs it!
Heather, I have a 14 year old son who is just like Cakes. He is never middle ground about anything. He worries to death about everything. If you mention the word death or dying, he’s on that like white on rice with a million questions and concerns. He’ll wear a subject into the ground sometimes. Some people call him inquisitive, but they also don’t live with him 24/7. When I read your story about taking the clothes off the line during a brewing storm, it reminded me of something similar that happened to me with my son. We lost a home to a tornado about 4 years ago. The house was still standing, on one end, but barely. I really wanted to go in and collect some random photographs. Ian wouldn’t stay in the car and insisted on going with me, just to the doorway. The whole time I was in there, he is yelling to me, “Mom? Are you alright? You really need to come out of there before you get hurt.” It was endearing at first but then it became aggravating as I assured him and assured him that I was okay, being careful, and coming out any minute. I think I left behind a lot of personal belongings because of his worry and constant nagging me to get out of there!! Anyway, your story of taking the clothes of the line reminded me of what I went through in my story. My son is so caring and considerate but he does have his quirks. But it’s all what makes him who he is and makes me love him even more. We love and want our children to be individuals and it sounds like your Cakes and my Ian are just that!