In his sermons, whenever he’s about to make an important point that he really wants us to remember, our pastor always says this. It’s kind of like a wake-up call, to let us know that if we’re spacing out, it’s time to sit up and pay attention.
“Don’t miss this….”
In the last month or so, I’ve had a bit of a real life wake-up call. As I slogged through my days, feeling tired and cranky, tense and resentful, God was opening my eyes to the fact that I was missing something pretty important.
My life.
In the 4 years that I’ve been writing this blog, I’ve always tried to be completely honest and transparent with you. I’ve made no secret of the fact that I struggle to achieve balance and moderation in all things, just as I suspect most of you do. But there is one area where I try, and try, and consistently fail, and that’s in limiting the time I spend online. As a blogger, this can be difficult, because obviously my work is online. I need to moderate comments, respond to emails, research post material, and that’s fine….except it never stops there. The internet is too full of distractions, and it’s so easy to say, “Oh, I’ll just check Facebook for a couple of minutes,” or “I’ll just check this message board and see if there are any new posts.” Then there’s Pinterest, and blogs, and countless little dramas to get caught up in. You can live a whole other life online, but the problem is that you have to sacrifice your real one.
One night last week, the time I was squandering was troubling me so much that I couldn’t sleep. My tossing and turning was even keeping my husband awake, and finally he asked what was wrong. I promptly started bawling, and told him emphatically, in between sniffles, that I could not live one more day like this. I confessed that I felt like such an unbelievable failure, at everything. My house wasn’t as clean or organized as it could be, should be, and used to be. I was always short, snappish, and distracted with my children, and I too often felt resentful of their constant interruptions when I was “busy” online. More than anything, I was frustrated with what I perceived to be my lack of “success” as a blogger, and I think, subconsciously, I had convinced myself that if only I had privacy, and quiet, and more time to write, I could really “make it.” I could make connections with important people, promote myself more, and get a blog-to-book contract like all those other bloggers I keep hearing about. I could really live my dream.
Unfortunately, I’d lost sight of my real dream in life – to be at home with my children, the precious babies I prayed and sacrificed for, and suffered to bring into the world. I guess, in a misguided attempt to make my mark and leave some sort of “legacy,” I’d forgotten about my 3 living legacies. Raising them right is the most important and valuable contribution I can make in the world, and I’ve only got one chance. If I screw it up, I won’t get a do over.
When Bee was a baby, a sweet, elderly lady took me aside after church one day and told me how much she enjoyed sitting near us during services, because it warmed her heart to watch me smile at my baby, and speak softly to her, and stroke her peach-fuzz hair. She put her hand on my arm, and said, “Anyone can see how much you love her.” I was moved to tears by her words, because that’s the kind of mother I always wanted to be. Gentle. Loving. Engaged. Present.
When I look honestly at myself, I can see that I haven’t been that kind of mother in quite a long time. I’m ashamed to admit that instead, I’ve been a mother who shoos her children away because she’s “busy” online, or distractedly says, “Mmmmm….” or “That’s nice,” instead of really listening when they try to tell me something. I’ve become a mother who yells too much, and is too often frustrated or annoyed because my children are interrupting my online life. I can see that little by little, I’ve been withdrawing from my actual life. I’ve been here, but not really HERE.
But no more.
The very next morning, after my mini-breakdown, I banished the computer to the farthest corner of the basement, and took back my real life. I reclaimed this space in my kitchen.
I took a nap.
I met Bee at the door when she got home from school.
I played with my kids.
I was here. I was really here…because the computer wasn’t.
It’s difficult and inconvenient to use the computer now. I can’t easily pop online for “just 5 minutes,” which will then suck up an hour of my day. I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that with it gone, I feel like I can breathe again. I have more energy, I’m less distracted, and I feel calmer, and just…. happier. I don’t have a phone with online capabilities, or a laptop, or an iPad, so this computer is my only gateway to the internet, and most of the time it sits, dark and rejected, while in its absence, the rest of my life lights up.
I plan to reduce my blog posts to only 2 a week, and I no longer read message boards or blogs. I basically just check my email, quickly scan Facebook, and then shut down. I know that this might bother some people, and I’m sorry….but I have to do this. I have to be the mother my children deserve. I want them to remember that I smiled, laughed, and played with them, and that I was happy to be at home with them, because I am. I’m not saying that I’ll never blog full-time again, but right now I just can’t. When my children go to school, I’ll have plenty of time to work, but until then, I don’t want them to feel like I pushed them aside so I could achieve “my dreams.”
I want them to know that they are my dream.
When Bee saw that my computer was gone, she said, “But Mom….when I come home from school, you’re usually right there on the computer. Where will I find you now?”
My heart broke a little bit, because I realized that I couldn’t remember the last time my daughter came home and saw my face, and not my backside because I was staring at the damn computer screen. So I looked her in the eye, and I told her….
“Don’t miss this… I’ll be right here.”
For real.
{ 46 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m crying now. CRYING. That was the most TRUTHFUL thing I’ve read. I have be struggling with this too. I want to be right here for my kids…. but I’m just SO BORED lately. THANK-YOU for your perspective, your strength and for all you have done. My home, and honestly this world, is a better place because of YOU! ;)
Lovely – really, really lovely. I totally understand – but don’t disappear entirely, I’d miss you
Good for you! Sometimes our biggest strength is finding our biggest weakness, admitting it and making a plan to fix it. You have the rest of your life to be a big time blogger, but only a short time to raise those kids. Enjoy all the time with your precious little ones!
Thank you for this….I know I spend way to much time online….and I get aggravated with my kids so easily…and so snappy….I think I may have to banish my laptop for a while…..Will be praying about it…
I am at a similar crossroad. I recently started homeschooling and have lost the bit of “me time” I used to have with 2 at school and 2 napping. I found myself breaking away from my kids to the internet for a “break” that would be much longer than I planned, or justifying not playing with the kids by thinking “I just did school with them all morning!” I can’t say I’m not still struggling, but I have a plan to put into action. I will be having an internet free summer with the kids. My husband has a one month sabatical from work in June, and isn’t taking any college classes. Normally, he is at college then work from 9 am- 11 pm, so this is huge for us! We are only going to use the computer when needed for homeschool or banking. I hope to transition, so that when fall comes around I am so used to life without social networking that it just sticks with me. Good for you, and if anyone is bothered by 2 posts a week, too bad, so sad. You are a mom first!
Oh Heather… This post brought tears to my eyes. I applaud your desition. Best of luck! Xoxo
Congratulations on your decision, and a really commend you for it. I respect your decision to be fully present with your children, and I know you and your family will be happier for it. I actually shut down my facebook account because it was sucking all the time out of my life. Those of us who love you will still be here when you choose to blog, hopefully playing with our own children in the mean time. . .
All I can say is GOD BLESS YOU and thank you. I needed to hear all that you said.
May the Lord bless you for this. I love your blog, I admit I check it often, but as a mother myself, grandmother, and child care provider I do understand what you are saying. Love your children today. I wish you all the best.
This is why I love your blog. You are real and not afraid to make a change. I feel challenged to follow, thank you for your post!
that is awesome! I am tearing up too. This why I read your blog, what an encouragement. I too have strict rules over the times I can be online, it is WORTH IT.
I love this and I can totally relate. I have been really trying to limit my computer time the last few months, but it keeps sucking me back in. I think I’m going to move my downstairs too. Thanks for the idea! Great post!!!
Oh Heather, this is just so…so perfect. Thank you for baring your soul like this.
i’m sure you’ll have a ball with all the spare time for the children you now have! I did a february facebook fast and loved it as i felt i reconnected with my family again
Especially in these young years when they want and need you so much. God bless Heather xx
Please don’t think that you are not a “success”. Success is different for everyone & from what I’ve read you are an incredible woman & amazing mom! If that is 1 of your goals, then you are already there! The decision you’ve made works for you & I look forward to your posts because you have changed my life. I mean that sincerely, I discovered your blog about 3 months ago & have implemented so many of your ideas they are too numerous to mention. You are saving us money & I am refocused on paying off our debt. I have changed my way of thinking because of you. Do not beat yourself up Heather, we are all on a journey with ups & downs. Keep believing in yourself, keep trusting in God & it will all work out.
Best blog EVER! Lord, help us to put our family where they deserve to be in our priorities.
Heather, once again your post brought tears to my eyes (as well as that beautiful picture of the kids….that should be framed and on your wall!). You are SO right in that many of us are not present these days as mothers like we should be. There are just too many distractions.
Your post was timely as we have to move our computer into the basement in the very near future. I just told my husband that I’m looking forward to it because it will be “out of sight, out of mind”.
When I was still working I actually never even allowed us to have a computer in our home. I always told my husband that whatever I needed online I could get the 5 days a week that I was sitting in front of one all day. And that I didn’t want to feel a computer suck away my energy at home. Alas, once I quit it became apparant that we sort of needed one at home. I think I’ve let it get out of hand and I look forward to it occupying much less space in my life.
Go enjoy your life, your family, and this precious time with them that will fly by much too fast!
I was so moved by your words, Heather. Thank you so much for sharing this. I am a novice blogger and have done all of the things you mentioned like shooing the children away. I struggle to find balance and purpose in my days. Thank you for inspiring me to shift my priorities back to my kids.
I wrote a post on my blog referring to this one. Thanks again and God bless.
What a good lesson for us all! I think I just might banish my computer today! God Bless you and your family Heather. You are an inspiration!
I love your blog. Today’s post feels like it was meant for me. I am not even a blogger, and find a way to spend ridiculous amounts of time online checking email, reading my favorite blogs, playing solitaire, etc. etc. My boys know to check where the computer is first when they can’t find me. UGH. I too and giving it up. I know that someday I won’t look back and say “boy, I wish I’d spent more time playing solitaire.” Thank you for the wake up call. It is a HUGE blessing for me.
I don’t have much more to add to what your readers have already said. So I just want to say thank you. Once again, it is so so so nice to know that I am not alone; that there are many other women who have the same struggles, fears and doubts. thank you Heather and thank you to your readers!!!!
Thank you for this Heather! This post truly resonated with me and made me think! I’m a mom of three wonderful kids and lately I have been spending way too much time either on the computer or reading a book. At times, I escape into a good book if my kids are a little more than I can handle at the moment or if I don’t want to deal with household things because I feel overwhelmed. As usual, your posts make me feel better to know that I’m not alone. So, as a present to my kids and husband, I plan on being more “present.”
Please, don’t apologize. Your family always comes first. Always.
I love this post and can totally relate. I was spending too much time going on a local message board which was filled with cattiness and judgement. I recently stopped and I feel so much better. Now I usually check email, online banking/daily finances, your blog, and a sometimes a few other random things if I’m looking for specific info. But I do get sucked in every now and then, which I think is normal. As long as it’s not every day all day.
beautiful. moving. and exactly what I have been striving to achieve in my own life, I just haven’t taken that leap. thank you. well done.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I have been sitting on my couch with a baby and a computer on my lap all morning. And also with ELmo’s World episodes on repeat for my 3 year old. I work from home and it’s a constant struggle to not prioritize the computer over my children. It breaks my heart every day when I realize I’ve yelled at them because I’m frustrated with work or because I can’t get enough ‘computer time’, when what I really need is family time. I’m putting the computer away right now. Thank you again. This post is a life changer for me.
Aww good for you! You are an excellent writer and an inspiration to many…enjoy that wonderful life you and your husband have created:)
Love this post! I am not a regular blogger but you put into words exactly how I’ve been feeling in my own life right now and about my own internet usage and the time it is taking away from my own little boys. I am so easily distracted in general (just my personality) and the internet is a huge waster of my time. I’m pledging right now to follow your lead. Our only computer is a laptop so it might not be quite as easy for me, but I plan to keep it powered off during the day, zipped up in the case and tucked away in the desk drawer. Thank you for this post!
So many moms struggle with this, me included. I feel so much guilt for not being a “fun” mom who does activities and plays and is engaged… I need to make a change too. I’m so happy to hear that you have found a better balance for yourself, Heather. Not to say that we won’t miss you, but you are doing the right thing. Huge kudos to you for being able to ”reset” your routine and take your life back! Much love always! <3
Love this, thankful for your honesty. I wonder what our generation of kids with stay-at-home moms will remember about their days. Taking my computer out of a convenient spot was also one of the best things I did. When I go on for a scheduled time I don’t feel guilty and I actually get more done. Moving words, Heather. I still need to hear things like this all the time.
I am reading this after finding out that my son has autism. I thought I was ready for that diagnosis, but after sobbing I realized there is still some grieving to do. My husband is gone tonight, so after putting my son to sleep, I came upstairs to, honestly, “let my mind rest” by getting online and before tackling the mess downstairs. I was just thinking about how to balance work with what I need to do to help him, when I noticed your post. It’s like it was heaven sent — just what I needed to make decisions about how to balance work and time to help him. I LOVE what you said about your 3 children are your legacy. Oh, if only more moms could read that. If only they knew that career success is absolutely nothing compared to hearing your child call you Mommy. I can’t wait for the day when my little guy will say it and I honestly couldn’t care less if anyone else even knows who I am (besides Daddy of course). Hang in there and savor the peace that comes with knowing you’re doing the right thing!
I too have a child with Autism…I cried for hours…days
Today our Mary Anne is 12 and doing very well. Time will pass and the word Autism will not hurt you as much as it does today. I will keep you and your son in my prayers…God will always be there to help you get through the difficult days…Blessings, Janel
My goodness, thank you, Janel! I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers, too. What an encouragement it is to hear about her progress. I’m sure this road was even more difficult for you — those of us facing the diagnosis today have the benefit of lots of services including info. and communities on the internet. Thank you again for your post, Heather, and the reminder for us all to focus on what is most important.
What an amazing woman you are Heather! God truly Blessed me the day I found your blog! I can’t even begin to express how touched I was with this post. Telling you I am so going to miss your frequent blog posts is an understatement! I respect your decision totally! Thank you for opening up our eyes and giving us the nudge we so need…to get off this computer! Love you Heather! Janel
THANK YOU! Your real blogosphere friends will be just as happy to read 2 posts/week from you as 1/day. You do what you need to do and be who you are…. after all, I know that’s why *I* have always liked reading your posts.
Oh, Heather…so happy for you! My youngest will turn 18 this summer. The years of mothering have seemed to fly by. Cherish this time while you have it…enjoy the gift.
I enjoy reading your blog and will continue to do so no matter how frequently you post. However….I do think you are setting some high expectations for yourself. Be kind to yourself. And remember….as kids get older the house will get cleaner. My mom loves how clean her house is now that all are moved out but said she misses the days of clutter and toys and messes. Take care Heather.
Great post! We should all follow your lead on this. We have babies that need us present!
I agree with your decision 100%, Heather. I think computers eat up too much of our lives. I work a job where I am on the computer all day long. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve half listened to someone because I was more enthralled by what was on the screen before me. Your post is a wake up call for me, too. I am not guilty of too much computer time at home. But my children are almost grown now anyway. My husband is on the computer from the time he walks in the door till bedtime sometimes. Drives me crazy. He works a service job and does not have the luxury of going online until he gets home. But we suffer from the lack of family time with him. I think we all need to “put the computer away” for a while and start living again! Great post!
What you’re saying is basically your title in a nutshell. . .joyful, simple, meaningful. Good for you. Enjoy your summer with your hubby and kiddies
Heather, I just found your blog tonight and have enjoyed “falling down the rabbit hole” of post linked to post etc. I appreciate your honesty and organization. I admire your goals and perspective. This year has been difficult for me as a stay-at-home mom struggling with depression, medical issues and having both of my little ones in school most of the week. This is the life I have always wanted and now I struggle to live it from a happy heart. Your blog has been refreshing to my rumpled spirit and provided me with some food for thought. Thank you
I will look forward to your posts.
Thank you for this post. After many “mini-breakdowns” myself lately, this came at a good time. It reminds me that I’m not alone in what I’m feeling as a stay at home mom trying to “do it all”. Also, that technology has taken away even more of my time in trying to keep up…..with what or who, I’m not even sure anymore. Sometimes perusing Facebook makes me feel even worse about myself! Silly I know, but emotions have a way pushing logic out the window. I’m going to follow your cue and start enjoying my daughter, which, like you took so long to have and put the computer in a corner for awhile to get some perspective. And most importantly my life back!
I discovered you last night when searching desperately for help this summer. I put into Google “summer schedule kids” and you came up somewhere on Page 1. I’m a mom of 4. 11 month old, 3 year old (foster-adopt with a LOT of behavioral issues), 5 and 8 year old. I’m exhausted beyond what I ever thought possible (because there is no rest, really). I’m disorganized and I feel like my house is falling apart around my ears. I am a pastor’s wife and, in my circles, most women seem very, VERY together. I feel quite alone and incapable of handling my life.
Sigh.
And then I started reading your blog last night. Not just your summer schedule. And as I read this entry, I started crying a little (I’m not a sap, so this surprises me). Thank-you for being honest without being crass or dismissive of what matters. Thank-you for being organized and pro-active without being too much of an over-achiever. Thank-you for making it seem doable. I with I could steal your Home Management Guide! But I will begin to put together my own.
My gratitude is sincere and finding your blog extraordinarily well-timed. Thank-you, God!
Thank you for this. You have more then once opened my eyes and heart in the past few months. I am a recent sahm whose coping with the loss of adult interaction since leaving my full time job. God has blessed me with the ability to stay home and I need to be thankful for that instead of spending my days online on social networks looking for something better to focus on, I need to focus on my babies who I love so dearly! Thank you for the wake up calll. May God bless you!
How true. Thx for the post, so much of what you said is me to a “T” sometimes. I even know it in the back of my head but ignore it. Gonna shut my computer down now
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