A while back, my husband informed me, “a lot of people don’t ‘get’ you” (translation: he doesn’t get me).
He thinks that some people (him) find me complicated and difficult to understand. I think that I’m an open book, and I argued that my blog wouldn’t be successful if I was so difficult to relate to. This blog is proof that at least 750 people in the world do, in fact, “get” me.
I think that the real issue here is that men never really understand women, and vice versa. Although, I believe that I understand my husband very, very well, after 11 years together. I usually can tell exactly what he’s thinking just by the expression on his face. For example, on Saturday we stopped at a garage sale. It didn’t look promising, but my husband wanted to look around, so the kids and I stayed in the van. When I saw him come out of the garage, I turned to the girls and said, “I’ll bet you anything he’s going to ask me to come look at something.” Sure enough, he wanted me to see a pair of snowboots that he thought were a good deal. I was expecting this because of the purposeful look on his face as he walked toward the van.
I rest my case.
In general, I think that men are simpler creatures than we are, and I will admit that I have my share of quirks and oddities, but who doesn’t? Really, our quirks are what make us unique.
Just for fun, I wrote down a list of 100 random facts about myself, mainly because I’m too tired after the weekend to come up with a more informative or educational post. So, if there are still some of you who don’t “get” me, maybe this will help:
1. The trumpet at the end of the closing credits on The Office? I can’t stand it. I mute the TV so I don’t have to listen to it.
2. When I was in first grade, I aspired to be a nun because I adored my teacher, Sister Mary Beth, and wanted to be just like her.
3. I can’t tolerate amusement park rides at all. Even the ferris wheel makes me barf.
4. Empty hangers in a closet bother me. Especially wire ones. I don’t know why.
5. When I was a kid, if my parents made me clean, I always pretended to be in a commercial for whatever cleaning product I was using. I still love commercials from the 80s and early 90s. I watch them on YouTube for entertainment.
6. I have exceptionally long fingers and toes. Kind of like a monkey.
7. I think fart noises are really funny. It seems that I have an 8-year-old boy living inside me.
8. I have a thing about flossing. I have to floss every single night before I go to bed. Sometimes, if I’m really tired, I’ll contemplate skipping it, but I can’t.
9. I’m an extreme introvert. I don’t need much social interaction, and I enjoy being alone (though not all the time, of course). I work from home, and sometimes I go a week at a time without even leaving my house.
10. When I can’t fall asleep, I imagine the most horrific scenarios I can think of, and try to work out how I would handle them. I hate this. I wish I could stop, but I can’t seem to control it.
11. I used to swear all the time. I was particularly fond of the F-word. I quit when I had children, and now I only swear when I’m really, really angry. Anymore, I can’t even watch movies with lots of swearing because they offend me.
12. I still have my tonsils and my appendix.
13. I don’t watch horror movies, and I don’t allow them, or anything remotely occultic, in my house.
14. From the age of 12 until I met my husband, MacGyver (Richard Dean Anderson) was my ideal man. I was determined to marry a guy who could get me out of scrapes with just his wits and a stick of gum….and I pretty much did.
15. I’m honest and direct. Many (most) people find this off-putting. My theory is that everyone has become accustomed to insincere social media head pats, so telling the truth is now “offensive.”
16. I think honesty is always preferable, so I make no apologies for it.
17. I cannot stand butt kissing. I could never work in any profession that required me to suck up to people.
18. I love “period” movies. Sense and Sensibility is my favorite. I bet I’ve watched it at least 50 times.
19. I don’t watch much television, and I especially hate reality shows. What a bunch of worthless garbage.
20. I’m a speed reader. I scan blocks of text instead of reading each individual line. I’ve always been able to do this, ever since I was a kid.
21. I get a little thrill from the smell of gasoline and exhaust. It reminds me of my husband, who is an auto mechanic.
22. I do not own a cell phone, or a landline phone, or any phone. I despise phones. If people want to reach me, they must call my husband, or send me an email.
23. I’m extremely sensitive to smells and noise. Most perfumes give me a headache, and I often wish for temporary deafness. I would love to have just one day of total silence each week.
24. With each of my pregnancies, I had mad cravings for milk. I drank several gallons every week.
25. I used to hate my name. In middle school, I wanted to be called Shawna.
26. I like my name now, especially the way my husband says it. He’s the only person who calls me Heather Lynn.
27. My little brother always called me “Hezzie.” My aunt and cousins still call me that.
28. When I was born, our elderly neighbor, who was hard of hearing, thought my name was “Hester.” He told my parents, “That’s a terrible name for a little girl!” I told my husband this, and now he calls me Hester just to tease me. I should never tell him anything.
29. When I was a tiny toddler, I could recite commercials from memory. When my parents took me to the store, I would point to a product on the shelf and say, “Downy – spwingtime fwesh!” or “Dextromethorphan – weed the wable!” Apparently, people really got a kick out of it. One guy would give me a quarter, and say to my Dad, “Get her to talk!”
30. In junior high, I was a cheerleader. I hated it. I’m not naturally peppy, and I really have zero interest in sports. I tried out because my mother wanted me to, and I only made the squad because I could do the splits.
31. I’m a really good dancer.
32. Which is surprising, because I’m not athletic in the least.
33. I’m somewhat clumsy. My mother used to say that I could trip over the color change in the carpet. This was back in the days of multi-colored shag (which my husband refers to as “oil-change” carpet).
34. I’m also really good at skating, but I don’t do it much anymore because my ankles are very weak from being sprained over and over again (see #33).
35. I hate competition.
36. I’m not naturally organized. I have an inate ability to organize, but I have to really work at it, every day.
37. I’m not a go-getter. I’m actually kind of lazy, I think.
38. I’m easy to please. I don’t need much to be happy.
39. In my marriage relationship, however, I’m pretty high-maintenance. I expect my husband to make me his first priority, because he’s mine.
40. I think that’s how it should be.
41. I’m not a “joiner.” I have no interest in belonging to groups or clubs.
42. I think that Donald Trump is a complete jackass. I hope that he runs for president just so I can watch him get knocked down a few pegs (Note: if by some wild chance he does manage to get elected, I’m moving to England now. I will not live in a country where that buffoon is president).
43. I consider myself to be a minimalist. I’m always getting rid of stuff.
44. My husband calls me “stuff-o-phobic.”
45. Having three children is not minimalistic behavior. But it’s fun.
46. I always let my kids buy stuff at garage sales because it makes them happy. I’m kind of a pushover, in that respect.
47. I don’t care about outward appearances, and I don’t believe in putting on airs.
48. I’m happiest when there is nothing on my calendar. For me, busyness equals misery.
49. One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone opens a new container of something, such as cottage cheese, without looking to see if there’s already one open. Drives me crazy.
50. I think that wastefulness and excess are abhorrent, disgraceful, and selfish.
51. If I really like a book or TV show, I can read/watch it over and over, a million times, and never get tired of it.
52. Where my diet is concerned, I must have lots of variety. I rarely make the same thing for dinner, twice in one month.
53. People think I’m hilarious, even when I’m not trying to be. Sometimes this makes me mad because I feel like no one takes me seriously.
54. I wanted to play the flute in elementary school. I ended up playing the clarinet because my teacher said my fingertips were “too big.”
55. The art teacher at my high school had a creepy obsession with me. He used to stare at me all the time, and follow me around. He even drew my portrait and displayed it in the trophy case. At the time, I just thought he was a dork, but now I’m wondering why I didn’t tell someone about this?
56. I attract freaks and weirdos.
57. Whenever I say this my husband responds with, “Gee, thanks.”
58. I’m a natural mimic. It’s very easy for me to pick up accents.
59. I wish I was British. I have fantasies about moving to the English countryside.
60. I adore Colin Firth. This makes my husband jealous, but he won’t admit it.
61. I watch British television almost exclusively. My favorite shows are Doc Martin and The IT Crowd.
62. I have never purchased a lottery ticket. Not even once.
63. I have a weakness for men in uniform. Especially older men.
64. I was nominated for “Miss Congeniality” in 7th grade (stop laughing!) I lost to Kristen Pickar.
65. I almost never win anything.
66. I don’t want to live to age 100.
67. I want to die before I get to the point where someone has to help me go to the bathroom.
68. I’m terrified of nursing homes. I never, ever want to be in one.
69. I’m quite independent. I don’t like to rely on anyone, because I find that people are generally unreliable.
70. Losing my husband is my greatest fear. Whenever he drives away, I say a little prayer for God to keep him safe.
71. Losing one of my children is my other greatest fear.
72. I’m also scared of drowning, and small spaces terrify me.
73. I have a severe bug phobia. If bedbugs, cockroaches, or head lice ever invaded my home I would probably have to be institutionalized.
74. My favorite potato chip is salt and vinegar.
75. My favorite ice cream flavor is sea salt caramel. Mint chocolate chip is a close second.
76. I hate mushrooms, raw tomatoes, organ meats, and shellfish.
77. I can’t tolerate frosting. I always scrape it off, and have since I was a kid. I once tried to eat one of those frosting roses off a wedding cake, and I almost threw up.
78. My favorite candy bar is Kit Kat….but I rarely eat candy.
79. My favorite flavors are lemon, raspberry, apricot, coconut, and chocolate.
80. Too much garlic gives me a stomachache.
81. If food is supposed to be hot, I want it to be really hot.
82. I also like cold drinks to be icy cold.
83. I am not a wishy-washy person.
84. I’m a cynical realist, married to an optimistic idealist. I keep him from being taken advantage of, and he keeps me from running away to live a hermit’s life in a cabin in Idaho.
85. I’ve never seen any of the Harry Potter or Twilight movies, and I don’t plan to.
86. I refuse to watch Real Housewives of anything, Jersey Shore, Mob Wives, or any other show of this ilk. This kind of programming makes me feel like the whole world is made up of vulgar, superficial morons.
87. My husband knows this, so he purposely turns these shows on so that he can watch the steam come out of my ears.
88. I genuinely fear that America is becoming an idiocracy. I see evidence of it all the time and it’s horrifying. If you watch the movie, Idiocracy, you’ll see what I mean. And people wonder why I don’t leave the house.
89. I think my nose is my worst facial feature. I swear it gets bigger every year.
90. I like my eyelashes. They’re very long and straight.
91. I’m a big baby about heat. I couldn’t survive without air conditioning.
92. I’m not politically conservative. I don’t align myself with any political party, and I’m quite moderate in my political views. I can tell you, however, that I lean much farther to the left than the right.
93. I hate politics. I especially hate arguing about politics, and listening to people rant about politics. This is why I do not discuss politics on this blog. Ever.
94. I’m a procrastinator of the worst kind.
95. I’ve been a writer since childhood. I’ve always kept a journal of some sort because I have a strong need to document things. I’ve also burned journals because they documented things I didn’t want to remember.
96. When comments are down here, I worry that no one has anything to say because I’ve become boring. I never want to be a boring person who drones on and on….I find them insufferable.
97. I have an extensive vocabulary because I read so much. A reader sent me an e-mail to complain that she needs a dictionary to read my blog, because I use words like “gobsmacked” and “ambulatory” and she doesn’t know what they mean.
98. I LOVE words.
99. I’m not a forgiving person. My husband always says that if someone hurts me, there is no second chance. I do know this about myself, but I’m not proud of it.
100. If you’re a lurker here, I wish you would come out of hiding.
You might also like: