A while back, my husband informed me, “a lot of people don’t ‘get’ you” (translation: he doesn’t get me).
He thinks that some people (him) find me complicated and difficult to understand. I think that I’m an open book, and I argued that my blog wouldn’t be successful if I was so difficult to relate to. This blog is proof that at least 750 people in the world do, in fact, “get” me.
I think that the real issue here is that men never really understand women, and vice versa. Although, I believe that I understand my husband very, very well, after 11 years together. I usually can tell exactly what he’s thinking just by the expression on his face. For example, on Saturday we stopped at a garage sale. It didn’t look promising, but my husband wanted to look around, so the kids and I stayed in the van. When I saw him come out of the garage, I turned to the girls and said, “I’ll bet you anything he’s going to ask me to come look at something.” Sure enough, he wanted me to see a pair of snowboots that he thought were a good deal. I was expecting this because of the purposeful look on his face as he walked toward the van.
I rest my case.
In general, I think that men are simpler creatures than we are, and I will admit that I have my share of quirks and oddities, but who doesn’t? Really, our quirks are what make us unique.
Just for fun, I wrote down a list of 100 random facts about myself, mainly because I’m too tired after the weekend to come up with a more informative or educational post. So, if there are still some of you who don’t “get” me, maybe this will help:
1. The trumpet at the end of the closing credits on The Office? I can’t stand it. I mute the TV so I don’t have to listen to it.
2. When I was in first grade, I wanted to be a nun because I adored my teacher, Sister Mary Beth, so very much.
3. I can’t tolerate amusement park rides at all. Even the ferris wheel makes me barf.
4. Empty hangers in a closet bother me. Especially wire ones. I don’t know why.
5. When I was little, I prayed every night for my baby dolls to turn into real babies. I would run and check my doll bed every morning, and I was always disappointed.
6. I have exceptionally long fingers and toes. Kind of like a monkey.
7. I think fart noises are really funny. Apparently, I have an 8-year-old boy living inside me.
8. I have a thing about flossing. I have to floss every single night before I go to bed. Sometimes, if I’m really tired, I’ll contemplate skipping it, but I just can’t. It’s a compulsion.
9. I very carefully shave calluses off my heels with a single-edge razor blade. I learned this from my husband, and it used to really freak me out, but it works better than anything else I’ve ever tried, and requires almost no effort. I have incredibly smooth feet now.
10. When I can’t fall asleep, I imagine the most horrific scenarios I can think of, and try to work out how I would handle them. For example, my baby is in the street and a car is barreling toward him! My heart will start racing, and I’ll imagine myself running at lightning speed to grab him just in time. I hate this. I wish I could stop doing it, but I can’t seem to control it.
11. I used to swear all the time. I was particularly fond of the F-word. I quit when I had children, and now I only swear when I’m really, really angry, and then only under my breath. I can’t even watch movies with lots of swearing because I find them offensive.
12. I have never broken a bone, and I still have my tonsils and appendix.
13. I don’t watch horror movies, and I don’t allow them, or anything remotely occultic, in my house. I was really angry and upset when our neighbor invited then 7-year-old Bee to have a sleepover with her 5-year-old daughter, and they played, unsupervised, with a Ouiga board. Bee didn’t know what it was, and it really scared her.
14. Bee isn’t allowed to play with the neighbor girl anymore.
15. I’m honest and direct. Some people find this off-putting.
16. I make no apologies for it.
17. I cannot stand butt kissing. I could never work in any profession that required me to suck up to people.
18. I love, love, love “period” movies. Sense and Sensibility is my favorite. I bet I’ve watched it at least 50 times.
19. I hate reality television, with one exception. My husband and I are addicted to Hoarders. It’s oddly fascinating.
20. I’m a speed reader. I scan blocks of text instead of reading each individual line. I’ve always been able to do this, ever since I was a kid.
21. I love the smell of gasoline and exhaust, because it reminds me of my husband.
22. I saved baby wash bottles from when the girls were babies. There’s just a little bit in the bottom of each one, and sometimes I dig them out so I can smell them.
23. The smell of new, wood furniture makes me sick.
24. With each of my pregnancies, I had mad cravings for milk. I drank several gallons every week.
25. I used to hate my name. In junior high, I wanted to be called Shawna.
26. I like my name now, especially the way my husband says it. He’s the only person who calls me Heather Lynn.
27. My little brother always called me “Hezzie.” My aunt and cousins still call me that.
28. When I was born, our elderly neighbor, who was hard of hearing, thought my name was “Hester.” He told my parents, “That’s a terrible name for a little girl!” I told my husband this, and now he calls me Hester just to tease me. I should never tell him anything.
29. When I was a tiny toddler, I could recite commercials from memory. When my parents took me to the store, I would point to a product on the shelf and say, “Downy – spwingtime fwesh!” or “Dextromethorphan – weed the wable!” Apparently, people really got a kick out of it. One guy would give me a quarter, and say to my Dad, “Get her to talk!”
30. In junior high, I was a cheerleader, and I was terrible. I’m not naturally peppy, and I can’t stand sports. I tried out because my mother wanted me to, and I only made the squad because I could do the splits.
31. I’m a really good dancer.
32. Which is surprising, because I’m not athletic in the least.
33. I’m a klutz. My mother used to say that I could trip over the color change in the carpet. This was back in the days of multi-colored shag (which my husband refers to as “oil-change” carpet).
34. I’m also really good at skating, but I don’t do it much anymore because my ankles are very weak from being sprained over and over again (see #33).
35. I hate competition.
36. I’m not naturally organized. I have the ability to organize, but I have to really work at it, every day.
37. I’m not a go-getter. I’m actually kind of lazy, I think.
38. I’m easy to please. I don’t need much to be happy.
39. In my marriage relationship, however, I’m high-maintenance. I expect my husband to make me his first priority, because he is mine.
40. I think that’s how it should be.
41. I’m not a “joiner.” I have no interest in belonging to groups or clubs.
42. I think that Donald Trump is a complete jackass. I hope that he runs for president just so I can watch him get knocked down a few pegs.
43. I consider myself to be a minimalist. I’m always getting rid of stuff.
44. My husband calls me a “stuff-o-phobic.”
45. Having three children is not minimalistic behavior. But it’s fun.
46. I always let my kids buy stuff at garage sales because it makes them happy. I’m kind of a pushover, in that respect.
47. When certain “Christian” bloggers write about how people who go through IVF are sick and twisted, it really hurts me. Even though I know better.
48. I shouldn’t even read these blogs, but I’m a glutton for punishment, I guess.
49. I don’t care about outward appearances, and I don’t believe in putting on airs.
50. I think that wastefulness and excess are abhorrent, disgraceful, and selfish.
51. If I really like a book or TV show, I can read/watch it over and over, a million times, and never get tired of it.
52. Where my diet is concerned, I must have lots of variety. I rarely make the same thing for dinner, twice in one month.
53. People think I’m hilarious, even when I’m not trying to be. Sometimes this makes me mad, because I feel like no one takes me seriously.
54. I wanted to play the flute in elementary school. I ended up playing the clarinet because my teacher said my fingertips were “too big.”
55. The art teacher at my high school had a creepy obsession with me. He used to stare at me all the time, and follow me around. He even drew my portrait and displayed it in the trophy case. At the time, I just thought he was a dork, but now I’m wondering why I didn’t report him?
56. I attract freaks and weirdos.
57. Whenever I say this, my husband says, “Gee, thanks.”
58. I’m a natural mimic. It’s very easy for me to pick up accents.
59. I wish I was British. I have fantasies about moving to the English countryside.
60. I really like Colin Firth. This makes my husband jealous, but he won’t admit it.
61. He forgets that he’s even more handsome than Colin Firth – he just doesn’t have the intriguing accent.
62. My husband is not good at accents. He always sounds like Apu from The Simpsons.
63. I have a weakness for men in uniform. Especially older men.
64. I was nominated for “Miss Congeniality” in 7th grade. I lost to Kristen Pickar.
65. I almost never win anything.
66. I don’t want to live to age 100.
67. I want to die before I get to the point where someone has to help me go to the bathroom.
68. I’m terrified of nursing homes. I never, ever want to be in one.
69. I’m quite independent. I don’t like to rely on anyone, because I find that people are generally unreliable.
70. Losing my husband is my greatest fear. Whenever he drives away, I say a little prayer for God to keep him safe.
71. Losing one of my children is my other greatest fear.
72. I’m also scared of drowning, and I hate small spaces.
73. I love all things pickled.
74. My favorite potato chip is salt and vinegar.
75. I like meat to be overdone – almost burned.
76. I hate mushrooms and raw tomatoes.
77. Organ meats and shellfish totally disgust me.
78. I used to hate spicy food, but now I love it.
79. I love raw onions, but I always order my hamburgers without them, in case my husband wants to kiss me.
80. Too much garlic gives me a stomachache.
81. If food is supposed to be hot, I want it to be really hot.
82. I also like cold drinks to be icy cold.
83. I am not a wishy-washy person.
84. I can’t stand Japanese anime. It’s just so….weird. My kids love Ponyo, but I just sit there going, “Huh? Why does Ponyo’s father look like a drag queen? And why does no one notice that Ponyo is a fish with a human face? And what’s all this about ham?”
85. I’ve never seen any of the Harry Potter or Twilight movies, and I don’t plan to.
86. I refuse to watch Real Housewives of anything, Jersey Shore, Mob Wives, or any other show of this ilk. This kind of programming makes me feel like the whole world is made up of vulgar, shallow idiots.
87. My husband knows this, so he purposely turns these shows on so that he can watch the steam come out of my ears.
88. I think my nose is my worst facial feature. I swear it gets bigger every year.
89. My husband says it doesn’t. He thinks I’m crazy.
90. I like my eyelashes. They’re very long and straight.
91. I’m a big baby about heat. I couldn’t survive without air conditioning.
92. I’m not politically conservative. I don’t align myself with any political party, and I’m quite moderate in my political views. I am, however, anti-abortion.
93. I hate politics. I especially hate arguing about politics, and listening to people rant about politics.
94. I’m a procrastinator of the worst kind.
95. I love writing this blog, but when comments are way down (as they have been lately), I always consider quitting.
96. I worry that no one has anything to say because I’ve become boring.
97. I have an extensive vocabulary because I read so much. A reader sent me an e-mail to complain that she needs a dictionary to read my blog, because I use words like “gobsmacked” and “ambulatory” and she doesn’t know what they mean.
98. I LOVE words.
99. If you’re a lurker, I wish you would come out of hiding.
100. Sometimes I feel like I’m blogging to no one, and it discourages me.
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