The Crap Family Chronicles: Cranksgiving 2010

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The holidays would not be complete without at least one episode fit for the Chronicles, right?

Late Wednesday afternoon, I found Bee curled up in the fetal position on the sofa, clutching her stomach. I tried to dismiss my feeling of dread, and told her that she was probably just hungry, and she would feel much better after she ate (yeah, right). By the time dinner was on the table, she had thrown up twice. Cakes, who was just getting over this dreaded affliction herself, refused dinner, so my husband and I ate chicken casserole and salad by ourselves, while debating about whether or not our Thanksgiving holiday would be ruined. We put the kids to bed early, armed with throw-up buckets and cups of Sprite, and decided to go to bed ourselves, assuming that we would be up several times during the night. Unfortunately, about an hour after I went to bed, I was up and in the bathroom, fighting back waves of nausea, and trying to decide if I had to throw up or not (I did).

All night long, Bee and I were up. I lost count of how many times we threw up, but around 4:30 A.M. we finally managed to doze off for a little while. I was hoping and praying that my husband wouldn’t get sick, but in true Crap Family tradition, he succumbed early Thanksgiving morning. Then, just as the Macy’s parade was beginning, DJ barfed all over my lap. And so began what I’m now referring to as “Cranksgiving, 2010.”

We spent all of Thanksgiving Day sprawled in the living room, moaning and complaining, in between sips of Sprite and trips to the bathroom. We dozed, and stared at the television, and tried to eat a few bites of Jello here and there. On Friday morning the worst seemed to be over, so we washed approximately 2000 loads of laundry, wiped everything down with Clorox, cleaned bathrooms, and steam-cleaned the living room rug.

Saturday morning, we decided that it would be good for us to get out of the house, so we went to Perkins for breakfast. The girls picked miserably at their pancakes, and I started to feel queasy about halfway through my omelet. We ate nothing the rest of the day, until that night, when the girls asked if they could have popcorn and watch a movie. Incidentally, popcorn barf is no fun to clean up – especially when it’s all over the rug you just cleaned the day before.

Yesterday, we stayed home from church, slept off and on, watched TV, and worked on our Christmas cards. My husband and I were finally feeling hungry, so I decided to make the pecan pie that I had so looked forward to eating on Thanksgiving. This was a giant mistake, because after eating some, we went to bed with headaches, acid reflux, and stomach cramps. In the middle of the night, Cakes threw up again, all over her bookshelf and bedroom carpet.

Today, I kept Bee home from school, and we’re all back on a soft, bland diet of plain noodles, dry toast, applesauce, yogurt, Jello, and probiotic supplements. In between washing entire dishwasher loads of nothing but cups and glasses, I’ve been trying to keep everyone hydrated, and so far I’ve successfully prevented the girls from killing each other. After so many days of being cooped up, eating toast and watching boring TV, we are the poster children for the cranky, argumentative, and irritable.

But really, what do I expect from a Crap Family Holiday? And this time, we actually were the Crap Family.

Literally.

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Heather is a minimalist in love with a recovering packrat. 7 years ago, she and her husband sold pretty much anything that wasn't nailed down in order to pay off their mortgage, and they've been living happily debt-free ever since. They have 3 hilarious little kids who were conceived with the help of in vitro fertilization, and they haven't had a good night's sleep in the last decade. Heather is an anglophile who loves all things British, and spends her free time looking at real estate listings in Cornwall. Every day, she and her family work toward a simpler, more meaningful life. Some days are awesome, some are disastrous, and you can read about all of them here.

Have a question? Need a listening ear? Contact Heather, or visit Want What You Have on Facebook.

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