Do you ever just have a nagging feeling that something’s wrong, but you don’t really know what? You don’t feel like yourself, and yet you can’t pinpoint exactly why?
This is me lately. I feel troubled by…something, but I can’t put my finger on it. I’ve been dragging through the days, feeling melancholy, and I want to snap out of it, but every day I wake up and immediately want to go back to sleep. When I sit down and give this some honest thought, I conclude that this feeling may be due to a combination of many things:
* DJ will be seven months old tomorrow.
He’s growing up way too fast for my liking. I’ve become acutely aware, in the last couple of months, that we will never have another baby in the house, so every time the first of the month rolls around, I fight the same wave of sadness. Sometimes the passage of time so overwhelms me that I have to sit down.
* At the dentist yesterday, I had two cavities, and some demineralization between my teeth. This upsets me because I try to take very good care of my teeth, and none of this was happening at my last checkup, before I got pregnant with DJ. My dentist says it’s probably due to the morning sickness and associated vomiting, poor nutrition during my pregnancy (I couldn’t eat much for the first 4 months, or the last 2), and also side effects from several medications I’m taking. It’s very discouraging to me, especially now that I must pay $384 for two fillings.
* I have too much to do. Now that both girls are in school, there seems to be an endless supply of papers, meetings, and busywork that I must tend to, in addition to all of my regular work. Both girls want to resume dance classes on Thursdays. Bee wants me to go to the Girl Scout information meeting. There is always some paper to fill out, or some check to write, or something they need to bring. Cakes chastised me severely yesterday because I forgot to put sunscreen in her cubby for recess time. All of this makes me feel harrassed.
* I have serious reservations about the newspaper article about this blog, which is coming out this week (or next – I’m not sure). There are many reasons, and I don’t want to go into details, so I’ll just say that until now I’ve been quite happy living in local obscurity. Though I live in a very small town, I’m not well-known because I really keep to myself. Now this will change, and I’m not sure I like it. My husband thinks I’m “afraid of success.”
* I’m depressed about my weight and general appearance. I can’t find clothes that fit well over my stretchy, post-baby stomach, and it makes me feel so discouraged that I don’t want to leave the house.
*My father-in-law is not well. I’m worried, both for him, and for my husband’s peace of mind.
* I’m unimpressed with Cakie’s public preschool, and I have her on the waiting list at the private preschool Bee attended, but it’s unclear when or if she’ll get in. She doesn’t seem to like school much, and every day she tells me that someone was mean to her. I asked her if she made any friends and she said no. I find that Cakes is often at the top of my prayer (read: worry) list. Currently, I’m fretting because I fear that she’s becoming a cleptomaniac. Whenever I can’t find something, it’s usually in her bed, or on her bookshelf. For example, my watch, inhaler, sunglasses, dental floss, and bookmark, my husband’s reading glasses and pens, Bee’s chapstick, books, and dolls, DJ’s toys. She’s like a little packrat who squirrels away anything she finds interesting. I’m hoping that this is just a funny little quirk that she’ll eventually grow out of.
* I cannot believe how snotty, clique-ish, and (I’m sorry) bitchy second-grade girls are. Nearly every day, Bee comes home upset because she “got into a fight” with this same bratty little girl, who tries to get all the other girls to gang up on her. I used to wonder where girls learned this kind of behavior at such a tender age, and I naively blamed it on television. This is part of it, but after I observed the behavior of a group of mothers who were having a discussion in the school hallway, I realized that in most cases, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, if you get my meaning here. I just pray that I can get my girls through school with their self-esteem (and my heart) intact.
* We recently got cable because it was bundled with high speed internet and phone – essential for my husband, who works from home and does all of his work by fax and e-mail. The cable company was offering a really great deal, which will save us $1400 over 2 years. However, for 4 years we had only our local networks, and for the last year and a half we had the Dish Family package – the smallest one we could get – which was (mostly) wholesome, family-type channels. So, I wasn’t knowledgeable about most current television programming, the majority of which I truly hate. Most of the time I’m either astonished, saddened, or shocked. What upsets me the most is the basic lack of respect for God. When did it become acceptable to say the GD word on television? It’s not even bleeped anymore! For someone who loves the Lord, this is just horribly offensive. Of all the channels we get now, there are only a handful that I can actually watch without wanting to puke, so I’m guessing that when our 2-year contract is up, we’ll drop the cable and return to our previous blissful ignorance of how far the world has fallen. Because right now, my feelings about humanity in general aren’t so positive.
Now…I realize that this laundry list of troubles is no fun to read, but my husband always tells me to share my problems with you because you’re always helpful and supportive. Also, I do try to be honest in my writing, about both my triumphs and my struggles, and this is honestly how I feel today. Sometimes the truth stinks.