Now He’s Just Teasing Me

 Posted by on September 3, 2009  Add comments  Tagged with: , ,
Sep 032009

A couple days ago, I shared a note that my husband left me on our dry-erase board. In the almost-decade that he and I have been together, he’s left me so many notes that I have a huge manila envelope in my memory box, packed so full of them that it won’t even close anymore. He’s used many mediums of expression – Post-its, toilet paper tubes, stickers that he found in Cracker Jack boxes, cereal cardboard. Now his favorite seems to be the dry-erase board in the kitchen.

In the beginning of our courtship the notes were, of course, very romantic, but as our relationship progressed and we settled into domestic life, they became a funny commentary on our life together.

This morning I came out to the kitchen and found this on the island:

I think it might be a hint.

Yesterday he left this on the grocery list:

NOTE: Before I explain this, my apologies to any Sandra Lee fans out there. You might want to stop reading now.

This note is for no other reason except to tease me about my dislike of Sandra Lee on the Food Network. If you aren’t familiar with Sandra Lee, she’s the one who does the “Semi-Homemade” cooking show, where everything is 70% store-bought, with 30% fresh ingredients and “creative touches.”

Sandra first achieved success with a line of drapery hardware that she designed, called “Kurtain Kraft” (which, incidentally, I think is a pretty good idea). If only she would have stuck with home decorating, because she has no business being on the Food Network. What irks me about this woman is….well, everything. She’s not a chef, or even a good cook. Almost everything she makes comes from a box or can. She changes her kitchen decor every single day to match her outfit. She makes “tablescapes.” She talks like she has a mouth full of peanut butter.

Inexplicably, Bee loves to watch her, but I can’t take it. I just can’t.

The worst part is that she always claims that everything she does is inexpensive, but it’s soooo not! She spends a fortune at the craft store alone just for her “tablescapes.”

I can’t even say that word. It makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit.

Now Food Network has given her a show called “Sandra’s Money Saving Meals.” What?! I’m sorry, but I can’t stand it that someone who would buy a store-bought pumpkin pie, scoop out the filling, and spoon it into miniature tart shells to make it look more “festive,” would be given a show about saving on your food budget. (UPDATE: I forgot to mention that she also bought a cheesecake – $12.99 at Wal-Mart – scooped out the filling, and combined it with the pumpkin filling to make these pumpkin cheesecake tarts for her Halloween party. No. I’m not joking. My mouth was hanging open so far that my chin smacked the coffee table).

She actually said that you should save the hollowed-out crusts to crumble on ice cream. No. NOOOOOO!

She also made a “Kwanzaa Cake” with chocolate icing, apple pie filling, pumpkin seeds, and Corn Nuts all over it. Corn Nuts! Aaarggghh! My head is going to explode!

Don’t believe me? Watch the video here.

This morning my husband added to the torment with this little tidbit:

She actually says, “Make it simple, make it smart, make it sweet, and always make it semi-homemade.” Or some such nonsense. Then she waves at the camera with both hands. Both hands!

Anyway, my husband’s version is close enough to annoy me, and he knows it, which is why he wrote it. Teasing me is his favorite past-time.